Just Numb....

Well I haven't been posting alot on here of late...My excuse?? Maybe I havent needed my daily dose of therapy? Perhaps I've been semi sane and hence this online outlet hadn't beckoned me??? Yet here I am it's mignight, my eyes are swollen, and I have a headache from hell from a long day of crying. Just when you think things are going smooth the other shoe drops...or so to speak. If I knew how to change I would???? Sounds simple? Sounds like a maddening statement?? Anyone who knows me...I mean truly knows me, and not the me I show to the world. Not my brave, happy, smiling face...thats oh so phony...But if you really knew me you'd know I can't chnage! Do I want to...wish to... Oh God beg too....Hell Yes... Can I ??? Lots easier said than done. My friend says it's free will...That I can change, that I can stand up for myself, be tough, be the person I should be.... Oh how I wish it were that simple for me. I've come to the conclusion that most of my troubles in life are the results of a long life of being controlled, manipulated, and molded into a walking, talking, puppet. Not that it isnt my fault...I allow it....Oh what would it feel like to not care what others thought?? To think of my own feelings and desires before others....to live for me??? I tell you I'm cursed... I'm numb...I'm hurt....and I"m sick of the bad days, the crying, the worrying, the anxiety, that takes my breath away.... I prayed about it tonite...Please God if you hear me..Take this cup from me....