A Hard Morning...
I've had a really hard morning...I went out to clean my sister's yard..my mom came with me. I didn't want her her too because I knew I'd end up getting irritated with her, inadvertently hurt her feelings, and then I'd be sitting here typing about how guilty I feel...okkk so here I am...I"m psychic! Sure enough just as I said. I'm so sick of feeling guilty for having feelings. My mother can be so maddening. I love her..she's my mother..I hate feelings this way about her at times. I'm usually a laid back, not nervous, not easily angered type person. Well I'm on this shot for my endometriosis that causes anger, depression, and mood swings. Also despite that my mom could always bring that side of me out.. WHY??? I wish I could figure that out?? I need to breath, I need meditation..Help..I'm feeling a little more calm now, I took a shower, drank a coke, took some pain med for this crazy migraine I've had since I started my Lupron Shot... I'm really thinking about quitting it. I mean If the fibroids get larger and painful then I'll just have to do something about it then..but right now I just don't want to feel crazy.. I'm not sure what to do. I just want to feel good. I found this article a girl posted on her blog who also takes Lupron, she hit the nail on the head..This is exactly how I feel.. 
Oh, *those* side effects…
A while back I started to write a “week 3″ update. But then life got hectic, and I felt I didn’t have much to say. It was week three, and I felt fine. I was starting to think that all of the horrible things I’d heard about Lupron were overblown.
Then in mid-October I had my second shot. This one was a three month dose. The bruise it left on my hip lasted nearly two weeks, and by the time the bruise had healed a new set of side effects had taken hold; night sweats and brain fog began to interrupt my daily life. I felt tired all the time, and I lacked patience. Now, three weeks into November, I feel much the same. I don’t hurt. I don’t have pelvic pain, or pain in my back or hips or down my leg. The Lupron seems to be doing its job- I’ve had no signs of ovulation… no signs of fertility at all. I can exercise and sit at a desk for long periods of time, and I no longer rely on large doses of ibuprofen and narcotics to get through my day. And that’s all wonderful. Really, it is.
But I’m not myself. It takes all I’ve got to give a damn about much of anything. I’m tired nearly all of the time, and when I do sleep I don’t sleep well. I cry. A lot. And the tiniest things now irritate me in a way I didn’t think was possible. There are times when I simply want to scream at people, to tell them to shut up or leave me alone, even when their greatest offense is simply being in the same room as me. I want to retreat into a cave and shelter those around me from the horrible crank I’ve become. Exercise helps, and I try to get as much exercise as I can. But I’m a busy person, and like I said…I’m tired.
I think what is hardest, however, is not being able to explain to people why I am the way I am. Some know that I’m on Lupron, and that it has side effects like mood swings. But I don’t think that they fully appreciate how draining it is to try to control those mood swings. It takes work to keep myself from flying off the handle and to hold back the tears when all I want to do is break down. I worry that they might think my reduced level of interaction is because I don’t like them, or that I’m angry at them, or that there is just something wrong with me- that I’m a bitch. I wish I could walk around with a disclaimer printed on my forehead warning people that I may not be myself. But I can’t. I just have to hope that I don’t screw up too badly.
Five more months to go. Hopefully I won’t destroy any relationships during that time.
Then in mid-October I had my second shot. This one was a three month dose. The bruise it left on my hip lasted nearly two weeks, and by the time the bruise had healed a new set of side effects had taken hold; night sweats and brain fog began to interrupt my daily life. I felt tired all the time, and I lacked patience. Now, three weeks into November, I feel much the same. I don’t hurt. I don’t have pelvic pain, or pain in my back or hips or down my leg. The Lupron seems to be doing its job- I’ve had no signs of ovulation… no signs of fertility at all. I can exercise and sit at a desk for long periods of time, and I no longer rely on large doses of ibuprofen and narcotics to get through my day. And that’s all wonderful. Really, it is.
But I’m not myself. It takes all I’ve got to give a damn about much of anything. I’m tired nearly all of the time, and when I do sleep I don’t sleep well. I cry. A lot. And the tiniest things now irritate me in a way I didn’t think was possible. There are times when I simply want to scream at people, to tell them to shut up or leave me alone, even when their greatest offense is simply being in the same room as me. I want to retreat into a cave and shelter those around me from the horrible crank I’ve become. Exercise helps, and I try to get as much exercise as I can. But I’m a busy person, and like I said…I’m tired.
I think what is hardest, however, is not being able to explain to people why I am the way I am. Some know that I’m on Lupron, and that it has side effects like mood swings. But I don’t think that they fully appreciate how draining it is to try to control those mood swings. It takes work to keep myself from flying off the handle and to hold back the tears when all I want to do is break down. I worry that they might think my reduced level of interaction is because I don’t like them, or that I’m angry at them, or that there is just something wrong with me- that I’m a bitch. I wish I could walk around with a disclaimer printed on my forehead warning people that I may not be myself. But I can’t. I just have to hope that I don’t screw up too badly.
Five more months to go. Hopefully I won’t destroy any relationships during that time.
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